On Monday, as I was walking Maggie to her Preschool gate I overheard a mother of a Typical Peer (a typical peer is a child who does not have special needs and is a member of the class to be a model to the other students) say the following out loud, "Oh, thank goodness! Now, I get to have 3 hours of peace."
She was talking about her child being in school. Now, please don't get me wrong. I understand a mom's desire to have some down time and some adult time. I know I find rest when the kids are not with me. But, what hurt the most, was knowing that Maggie NEEDS to be in school to be prepared for Kindergarten. She is delayed in most areas and I really have NO CHOICE, but to send her to school at 3 years old. Every day I wake up and fight the urge to keep Maggie at home. Every day, as I hand her over to her teacher and the aides, my heart hurts a little bit. I would rather have her in my arms to love and to protect.
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Now, let me add this.
I am not without fault, and I am not judging this mother
without having been in her shoes to some degree.
I have been embarrassed and humbled beyond measure,
and it all happened in the NICU more than 3 years ago.
Maggie was in the NICU, undergoing numerous tests to determine why she stopped breathing at 5 days old. If you have ever seen a NICU most of the patients in there are premature babies, most weighing less than 5 lbs. Most babies in the NICU are hooked up to many monitors, IV's, feeding tubes, etc. So, to come in and look at our 8 lb Maggie, hooked up to only a breathing/heart monitor, she seemed very out of place.
I was very frustrated one day at what I thought should be happening with Maggie's treatment and scheduling of tests. I was very bothered that most of the doctor's left work early Thursday afternoon, and did not return until Monday morning. This meant that if Maggie did not get a test done Mon.-Wed. then she would for sure be in the NICU through the weekend. While I was venting, out loud, my frustrations to our nurse one day, I felt a sudden urge to look to my left. I knew there was a very sick baby next to us. I knew her mother came to visit often. I also knew that this little baby did not look well. That day, as I was verbally complaining about having to be in the NICU longer than necessary, with my 8lb baby in my arms, resting comfortably, I could tell that something was different with the baby next to us.
After a few moments doctors and nurses came to this baby and her mother. They unhooked the baby from her breathing tubes, feeding tubes, and all the other monitors that were attached. They placed the baby in the mother's arms and began to place wall partitions around them. It was quite clear after a few moments that the mother had decided to let her baby go. She was able to hold her baby for the first and last time that day.
I still feel awful to this day. As I was being selfish and overly emotional about what I wanted, a mother sat just a few feet away from me, knowing that she was about to say goodbye to her child. I wonder what she thought of me. I know that I was not showing the light of God that day. I was not showing the Peace of God that comes from surrendering all to Him every day. What she heard was a mother that was not being mindful of what she was saying, and I am sure it hurt her. I am beyond humbled by that experience, and I am thankful that God broke me that day, as I try to be mindful every day of what I say out loud.
You never know who might be listening.
